Help Me Begin Again
by lea michele
Summary: Blaine wants to adopt. Kurt's not so sure.


"We should adopt." Blaine murmurs, lips pressed against Kurt's skin, whispering confessions into the hollow of his throat, curled up on the couch. Kurt's eyes widen slightly, and his heart skips a beat.

"Adopt?"

"I think we've waited long enough, don't you think?" Blaine says, sitting up and looking at Kurt. Kurt smiles quickly, nodding. Blaine grins, surging forward and kissing him quickly. Kurt is grateful for the distraction, his eyes fluttering shut, more out of anxiety than a reaction to the kiss.

They realize foreign adoption would be difficult, and are thrilled when Santana volunteers as surrogate, shrugging and saying she'd do anything for them. Well, Blaine is. Kurt is just terrified, oblivious to everything except that this seems more inevitable as time goes on.

"What if she doesn't like me?" Kurt whispers, staring up at the ceiling. Blaine smiles softly, turning and resting against Kurt's chest, the blanket in one fist, the fingers of his other hand splayed across Kurt's stomach.

"She's going to love you. Stop worrying," Blaine murmurs, closing his eyes again. "Get some sleep." Kurt remains silent, watching as his husband falls back asleep, chest rising and falling, no cares in the world.

_What if I don't like her?_

Babies are supposed to make a family happier. They're supposed to bring couples together and bring out the best in each other, pull them closer. But Kurt is afraid that he won't be able to be the dad this child deserves - or the co-parent Blaine needs. Things have been getting tense as the adoption gets closer and closer, and their arguments are growing larger and larger until one day Kurt says something he regrets.

"Don't say things you can't take back, Kurt." Blaine says quietly, his voice hot and filled with brimming emotion.

"A baby, Blaine! You can't take back a baby!" Kurt shouts, and it's like everything in the room has grown quiet. Silence is deadly, but Blaine doesn't have to say anything. His expression says it all. Kurt exhales, grappling around for something to say.

"I think you should go." Kurt almost misses it, but Blaine looks up at him, eyes frozen over. For once, Kurt can't see what he's thinking. But he doesn't have to. He knows. His lips form a hard line, and he turns, dropping the dish towel he was holding on the counter as he walks out of the kitchen, grabbing his jacket and only his jacket as he strides out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

It takes two beats for Blaine to sink against the counter, sliding down to the floor as he buries his face in his hands, sobbing. For the first time in a long time, Kurt isn't there to comfort him.

He can't tell what's worse, the fact that Kurt isn't there, or the fact that Kurt's the reason he's crying.

"Yeah, I don't know, Mom, I sent him the information - yes, I know he got it - no, he wasn't there." Blaine says, holding the phone to his ear with his shoulder, his hands occupied with a bottle. He tips it, checking the temperature of the milk on the inside of his wrist. He moves into the living room, tuning his mom's voice out as he walks towards the little crib, cooing gently as Melody looks up at him, eyes that look so much like Kurt's wide and smiling as she reaches for the bottle. "Mom, I have to go. Mel's hungry." He says, smiling at his little girl, and he hangs up the phone. He sighs when he realizes he left the burping towel in the kitchen, holding up a finger to his baby before moving out of the room again.

Outside the apartment, Kurt takes in a deep breath, putting the key into the lock and letting out a breath when he realizes that Blaine didn't change the locks. He carefully opens the door, pushing it open and walking inside, stepping over that place in the front hall where it creaks every time, moving into the living room. And then he sees her, all yellow onsie with curls like Blaine's and cheeks like Blaine's and a smile like Blaine's, but eyes that are all his, trained on him now, wide and wondering. He feels a tightening in his chest, and he steps closer, drawn by her magnetism.

"Kurt?" He jumps at the sound of his name, coming from a voice so familiar and so strange after months of separation, of isolation, of loneliness. He turns, meeting Blaine's eyes. "What are you doing here? You missed-"

"I know." Kurt says, voice low and pained. "I'm sorry, I just…I had to see her."

"You can't do this to me," Blaine says, his voice breaking. Kurt feels his heart breaking too, again, over and over as Blaine's voice plays in his head.

"I want to be with you."

"You can't make me choose between you and her, Kurt! I can't do it!"

"I don't…I don't want you too. I just…I'm scared, Blaine." He confesses, stepping towards his husband. His eyes flicker down, and he doesn't know how to feel when he sees Blaine is still wearing his ring.

"You don't think I am?" Blaine says, quiet. "I'm _terrified,_ Kurt. And…I don't want to do this alone, but I can't be worrying about you along with her, I just…I need you, Kurt, to be here one hundred percent. Not somewhat. Completely." Kurt wets his lips, nerves shaking his hands and his feet and his heart, and Blaine purses his lips, moving back into the kitchen. Kurt exhales shakily, turning back towards the baby. (His baby.)

"Hi." He says quietly, fingers resting on the edge of the crib. "I've never been good…with kids." She stares up at him, and the way she seems to trust him completely reminds him of the way Blaine used to look at him. He smiles. It falters quickly, but he smiles, and then, on a whim, he reaches in, picking her up and cradling her close. She reaches up, patting his face, and it's not until then that he realizes he's crying. "Dad." He says quietly. "That's a big word."

Blaine steps in from the kitchen, heart leaping into his throat at the sight of Kurt holding Melody. Kurt turns, his smile breathless and his eyes wet, shrugging.

"What now?" He murmurs. Blaine lets out a breath, stepping towards them.

"We start again."


End file.
